Friday, June 29
GARCIA HEADS PUBLIC ENEMIES LIST
With the political demises of Gilberto "Hooters" Hinojosa, Eddie "Panocha" Trevino, Elia "La Vagina Negra" Cornejo-Lopez and Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez among other despicable characters, who are the remaining and reigning public enemies number one? Congressman Solomon "Ojete" Ortiz, State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio, BND Chairman Martin "Mierda" Arambula and UTB/TSC President Dr. Julieta "Tia Caca" Garcia rank at the top of this ignominious list. Ortiz and Lucio have no respect for the common man as they try to present themselves as common men. "These guys are thieves and liars who have stolen from us time and time again," said an ex-candidate for mayor. "Both have raised sons to be thieves and liars who have followed in their fathers' footsteps and are politicians. Our region would be much more prosperous if there were no Ortizes and Lucios acting as scalawags on behalf on the carpetbaggers." Garcia has lost control of the university. "As in the case of Lucio, nothing is sadder than an educator gone wrong," lamented a BISD veteran. "She has lost all connection with her roots. We need to force her into retirement before a university degree becomes unaffordable. It is tragic that she hates those she professes to love." Arambula angered the upper echelon of the BISD with his endorsement of Hernandez for mayor, further proof of his incompetence. "He is completely out of his league at the port," observed an ally of union leader Francisco Sifuentes. "He needs to be shipped back to the minors before the rest of the state thinks we're nothing but a bunch of amateurs in Brownsville." Ortiz, Lucio, Garcia and Arambula epitomize everything wrong about our Third-World City. Only by eliminating them from the political scene can we hope to make things right. They are negatives. Nothing positive can come from their leadership. In past lives we have no doubts that they were rapists.
EL ROCINANTE SUFFERS GREAT LOSS
Just think if Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez had been elected mayor. That would have been a great loss for Brownsville. Just think if Norma "The Hag" Hernandez were reigning as our city's first lady. That would have been a great loss for Brownsville. Just think if Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez were sitting on the PUB board. That would have been a great loss for Brownsville. Just think if Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez and Norma "The Hag" Brownsville were representing our community in Austin, Washington D.C. and Mexico City. That would have been a great loss for Brownsville. Just think if Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez and Norma "The Hag" Hernandez had been filmed having sex dog-style in the city chambers. That would have been a great loss for the pornography industry. We are hoping that after a short respite of licking their wounds (Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss recommends that if they sixty-nine at least once a day, the psychological wounds will heal faster), Ernie and Norma will return. And we are sure they will because politics have paid their bills. One story making the rounds from table to table at the Vermillion has Hernandez going to "Boozin'" Bill Hudson, Renato "Blackie" Cardenas and Neil "Syphilis" Simmons and requesting $10,000 for a recount even though he had lost by almost a 1,000 votes. He convinces these desesperados who are so blinded by their greed that there has been a computer glitch and dupes them into believing that he has won the election. The Treacherous Trio cough up the cash. Hernandez pays $3,000 for the recount and pockets the other $7,000. We need Ernie and Norma. There are days when there are simply no available dogs to kick around.
EL ROCINANTE ATTACKS HERALD
We saw Brad "Boner" Doherty and his frail frame filled us with a fury for the Brownsville Herald that enslaves him for a pauper's wage. In the newspaper industry the daily's reporters and photographers labor for abnormally low wages, Publisher R. Daniel "El Coco Loco" Cavazos virtually enslaving them. Skinny and suffering from an undiagnosed disease, Doherty suddenly materialized at our offices in historic downtown Brownsville and wheezed about needing a parttime position. "I'll file papers," he begged. "I'll sweep floors." His pathetic plea broke our hearts, this award-winning photographer literally reduced to the lowly status of a starving artist. Father Jesus P. Cadissimo started a collection in the newsroom. Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss threw a $50 bill into the pot and we were able to give him an even $100. Always gracious, he apologized for his desperate straits, but we informed him that he wasn't the first Herald journalist who had come to us struggling for survival. We called his publicist Jerry Urban and the well-known Texas writer said that Doherty's latest exhibition had been both a financial and artistic failure. Entitled "Miss Piggy Squealing" and featuring 25 photos of a nude Mary Rose Cardenas, Doherty was ridiculed by the critics and rejected by the public at his East Coast opening. "He invested everything, even his retirement in this project, and the exhibition was a total flop," stated Urban over the phone from his seashore home in Galveston. "I told him that presenting Cardenas in the buff would be a bust, but he insisted that he had a vision. What he saw, nobody else saw. When I told him that there wasn't anything transcendent about Cardenas and that the New York Times was trashing him because these portraits were nothing but garbage, even those with the shaved pussy, he slammed down the receiver and I haven't talked to him since that day." We could have advised Doherty about a bitter truth if he had asked for our counsel, but he didn't: Anyone who associates with the Cardenas family courts disaster. The Herald, of course, has long protected Brownsville's most despised family and has no sympathy for Doherty's plight.
HERALD RETALIATES
Attorney Brian G. Janis, on behalf of Brownsville Herald Publisher R. Daniel "El Coco Loco" Cavazos, e-mailed this letter to El Rocinante in regards to articles written about the newspaper at his internet site: Dear Dr. McHale-Scully: I serve as local counsel for The Brownsville Herald. In this capacity, the publisher of my client wishes to bring to your attention the concerns the Herald has about comments made in your "online" publication concerning the newspaper and its employees. As is the case for any citizen or local resident, you are free to comment upon the newspaper's performance as it relates to covering the community, relating to the community or carrying on its general responsibilities to the community it is attempting to serve. The newspaper recognizes the right to criticize matters of public concern and the exercise of vital First Amendment rights. The newspaper, however, takes exception to comments you have made about the newspaper and its relationship and treatment of its employees. In an article you recently published, you wrote, "...the Brownsville Herald that enslaves him for a pauper's wage..." This comment goes far beyond commentary and viewpoints about the performance of the newspaper as it relates to the community, and accuses the Herald of mistreateing its employees through the use of abnormally low wages and "enslaving" them. The allegation of employee(s) mistreatment is false, and in the opinion of the publisher of the Herald that the said comments lean towards and do constitute defamatory statements, as defined by Texas law at Chapter 73 of the Texas Civil Practice and Remedies Code, as well as the common law, in that same does not inform, goes beyond opinion and simply ridicules or blackens the reputation of others (i.e., the Brownsville Herald and its treatment of personnel), as well as imputing immoral and illegal conduct to them. This letter should be considered a request to seriously consider the consequences of making defamatory and false comments about the newspaper or its relationship with its employees. The Herald strives to treat its employees with dignity and respect, and any false accusation to the contrary on your publication's part, will be considered a serious matter by the Brownsville Herald and may warrant further legal action. Should you have any question or further information, or if you wish to discuss the matter further, please advise. Thank-you for your consideration. EL ROCINANTE REPLIES: TELL YOUR PIECE OF SHIT PUBLISHER THAT WHEN HIS EDITOR IS DONE FUCKING ERNIE HERNANDEZ'S SON THAT HE SHOULD SUCK THE OLD MAN'S COCK. PIECE OF SHIT NEWSPAPER!!!
Thursday, June 28
BROWSVILLE SLIDES INTO SLIME
Chester Gonzalez is not resigning from the TSC board, which is good news for the community since he and Dr. Roberto Robles are the only two trustworthy trustees. El Rocinante apologizes for this misinformation, but we couldn't resist printing a juicy rumor. If three out of ten prove true, that's a .300 batting average and qualifies a free-swinger for the Hall of Fame...Bobby Wightman-Cervantes, publisher of Brownsville Voice at www.brownsvillevoice.com, is recommending that the TSC board relieve Dr. Julieta "Tia Caca" Garcia of her duties at the junior college so she can concentrate on her university responsibilities. We would suggest that Dr. Garcia take one more step and retire. Like Congressman Solomon "Ojete" Ortiz and State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio who have held their positions too long and have grown more abusive with time, Garcia has lost her credibility as she has grown more and more dictatorial. Anyone who would call Mary Rose "Miss Piggy" Cardenas a close friend can't be a good person...In spite of all the negative publicity, the UTB/TSC athletic department is communicating by its actions that Mexican-Americans are pendejos and Anglos, regardless of the country of their origin, are the answer. President Garcia has never had any qualms about spreading her legs for her white masters in Austin. Cardenas has never had any second thoughts either except she has had no takers. Both Garcia and Cardenas are shameless. They should confront themselves in the mirror and come to grips with their frightful faces...Behind the insurance controversy that has cost Cameron County Auditor Mark "Yahoo" Yates his freedom and possibly his career lurks the shadowy figure of Johnny "Caliche" Cavazos. The Brownsville Herald has thus far spared him any grief, but he is the agent of record on this contract. Nobody operates more malevolently than Cavazos who is a multi-millionaire just on the insurance policies he has finagled with the BISD. Cavazos thrives in Brownsville's dark underworld. He will not only take you to the cleaners, but he returns your clothes stained...BND Chairman Martin "Mierda" Arambula has one duty at the Port of Brownsville: Protect the guilty. Whether it's Ortiz and Lucio on the $21 million taxpayer ripoff, or the old guard and incompetent administrators surviving on public monies, Arambula exists to maintain the status quo so the insiders can make their money while the port stagnates. Arambula and his colleagues have hired Eddie "Cunninlingus" Campirano as port director in order to give the impression that the bureaucracy is running smoothly, thus creating the illusion that something is getting done when nothing is getting done, which is exactly what the powers at the port desire. They aren't interested in progress; they are solely interested in their profits...Pat Lehmann, Otis Powers and Rolando Aguilar's terms are expiring on the BISD board. All signs indicate they will seek reelection in November unless a court decision postpones the elections until the spring. Lehmann and Powers encounter uphill battles while Aguilar appears an early favorite. As much as The Brownsville Herald despises Lehmann and Powers, they both have populist appeal that could trump the candidacies of "Boozin'" Bill Hudson's puppets.
Tuesday, June 26
PORT LACKS ALL CREDIBILITY
The Brownsville Herald, as usual, is saying nothing. Two of the most popular alternative internet sites--Brownsville Voice and Bloggin' All Things Brownsville--are taking a precautionary approach with ecological concerns their main criticisms. Approving Bay Bridge, a shipwrecking company, a contract at the Port of Brownsville seems like a no-brainer on the surface. Unlike the four companies operating in the same profession who increase their profits by paying its Mexican-American laborers abysmal wages and providing no benefits, Bay Bridge, uninterested in any GBIC incentives, is promising its potential employees hourly rates between $10 and $40, health coverage and a 401(k) retirement plan. A previous board, under pressure from the four reigning companies, established a policy that prohibited the addition of another company or companies. "God forbid that they have to extend the same economic opportunities to their underlings as Bay Bridge proposes," said Father Jesus P. Cadissimo, the defrocked Catholic priest who was excommunicated after calling Bishop Raymundo Pena a cocksucker. We tend to sympathize with Bay Bridge because BND Commissioner Peter Zavaletta approves the project. He is the sole politician at the port who has any credibility in our estimation. His four colleagues, bowing to the demands of the four companies, are opposed to Bay Bridge. Capitalists in word only, this quartet has been swayed by campaign contributions to accept that monopolies are sound strategies. In the world of corruption and incompetence, the Port of Brownsville ranks at the top. Would anyone, after his lies and failures, follow George "Wimp" Bush over the top and into another war? The port's leadership deals with the same mistrust. After the $21 million ripoff for the construction of the invisible bridge to heaven, after the hundreds of thousands that Congressman Solomon "Ojete" Ortiz and State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio have stuffed into their pockets through shady transactions, after Judge Leonardo "El Lowrider" Alejandro's multi-million-dollar illegal alien scam at AMFELS, after the countless commissioners who have run for the board in order to protect their economic interests, after BND Commissioner Luigi "El Burro" Cristiano slipped his compadre and biggest benefactor a lucrative contract while he was plotting for a labor contract with the same board that he was allegedly serving, and after Cristiano and fellow Commissioners Martin "Mierda" Arambula, "Messy" Carlos Masso and Roy "El Diablo" de los Santos absolved Dannenbaum Engineering Corporation of the $16 million it banked on the $21 million taxpayer heist, and on and on and on, how can the port expect to have any credibility? And where is Eddie "Cunnilingus" Campirano, the port's new director on this issue? As a TSC trustee, is he hiding under UTB/TSC President Dr. Julieta "Tia Caca" Garcia's skirts (Can you imagine the stench?) since she used her influence to land him the position in order to save her son-in-law's job at the port, who, by the way, is in charge of attracting new business unless the new business, as in the case of Bay Bridge, inconveniences the old businesses. Campirano, as his first priority, should commission the advertising firm of Breeden & McCumber to draw a dog eating its tail as the port's official emblem. On a more serious note, the electorate should terminate its financial relationship with the port. The port might be more successful in the corporate America of dirty deals where it can escape public scrutiny. Or are these successful businessmen and their companies incapable of generating their own profits without the taxpayers covering their bottom line?
PORT TAKES DESERVING BEATING
On Sunday The Brownsville Herald opened its opinion pages to editorials justifiably critical of the Port of Brownsville. We include snippets from the three columns, which found our sympathetic ear. Dan Reyna, a former BND commissioner and the 1950 state champion in the 880, offered this perspective under a piece entitled "Port cultivates mediocrity". He writes: "This tradition--this adherence to mediocrity--has proven disastrous in the operation of the Port of Brownsville and the Brownsville Navigation District. Need I recount the past misfortunes that have befallen our Golden Ditch? Why did no one see the hemorrhaging of $21 million from the bridge bond money as it headed south and away from our taxpayers? Why did no one hear the sucking sound as companies siphoned away the millions in unjustified billings and expenses? To start with, if the port had a certified accountant as a finance officer, perhaps things might have been different. When you hire someone at this important position and expect him to learn how to manage the port's financing through on-the-job training, you take the chance that something like this might happen. Then, when the port director died and we needed to have an interim director appointed, the commissioners were prevailed upon to hire his secretary, a former bank receptionist, to take over the helm during times of troubled waters. Has the port ever had a qualified marketing director? How about a maritime engineer? And while we're at it, why isn't the attorney specialized in maritime law? Wasn't it the father-son team that approved the port's tranference of $15 million to Dannenbaum Engineering Corporation through money exchange houses in Mexico? And who, by the way, also approved the original contract so favorable to the Houston firm that it might have written the document itself? Leaders, as it is often said, must lead by example. But when the commissioners themselves ignore their own requirements, why shouldn't their underlings? I speak, of course, of the majority of the board ignoring the qualifications they posted for port director. Instead of rewriting the qualification requirements when none of the top three candidates fit the bill, they simply ignored them and picked the one who fulfilled none." Father Jerry Frank, the pastor of St. Joseph Catholic Church, has become the voice of Valley Interfaith in its quest for social justice. He pens: "Bay Bridge looks like the kind of company we need in Brownsville, but there might be institutional or political obstacles preventing the company's setting up shop here: The port has operated under a self-imposed moratorium on ship dismantlers since 2002 while it awaits a 'master plan' that is being put together by Black & Veatch of Houston. More recently, however, the port commission has bypassed its awaited 'master plan' and leased land to other companies. The 33 acres of land that Bay Bridge wants to lease sit right next to another ship dismantler and would be consistent with existing land use. Why the reluctance to allow Bay Bridge into the Port of Brownsville? Could existing ship dismantling firms and commissioners doing business with them see Bay Bridge as too competitive in terms of setting higher employee benefits and environmental and safety standards?" And Neto Lopez, the one with the strong arms and stronger principles, presents these thoughts on the matter: "An interesting aside is that one of the master plan committee members--and its most vocal proponent that the moratorium be extended--just happens to be the president of one of the four ship dismantling companies at the port. This raises another potential conflict-of-interest question. Should a member of the committee with a personal stake in the matter be involved in deciding whom the port leases its land to? In other words, should a rival and a competitor be allowed to decide whether a similar industry fits into the master plan at the port? This is akin to a shopping mall tenant demanding that the mall not allow another business to come in because it is competition. And that is the gist of the problem. Lessees should be made aware that the port does not belong to them, but rather to the navigation district." As frustrated with the port's operations as these three, voters are confronted with only two choices, and it's not the lesser of two evils, either. It's a choice between corruption and ignorance. We vote the crooks out and we vote the fools in. Martin "Mierda" Arambula, the alleged wife-beater who should be beating his meat instead, was a reaction to the $21 million bridge boondoggle, but he is little more than a fast-food cook professionally who throughout periods of his life has been lucky to have $21 in his pocket. Fortunately for the alternative press, unlike the Herald which envisions itself as an extension of the Chamber of Commerce rather than a muckraking organization with a fanatical commitment to the interests of the silent majority, bad news is good news. As one failed artist drunkenly related to another, "The worse things become in my life, the better the possibilities that I might write the Great American Novel."
Monday, June 25
AFICIONADOS GATHER AT PALM LOUNGE
The final between Mexico and the United States early Sunday afternoon attracts the usual aficionados: Estanislao Contreras, Jack O'Connell, Annie Gunn, Patricia Andalusia, Max Maxwell, Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss, Father Jesus P. Cadissimo, Harry Rhino and Bob Sanchez. "You really think Dr. Garcia is a lesbian?" asks Sanchez. "What do you think?" retorts Gunn who is nursing a hangover from the night before. "If I had a frog for a husband, I would prefer a co-ed licking my pussy. Speaking honestly, I see her as sexless although she's doing a helluva job of fucking up the university." Sanchez, who tries his best to avoid controversy these days, thinks for a second. "Besides the increased costs, do you have anything specific?" Gunn sneers. "You have board members resigning right and left and you have other board members who are doing business with the college," she starts. "They don't keep her accountable. The Herald doesn't keep her accountable. We're the only ones who keep her accountable because we can smell her stinky twat. Tuition and fees are $4,000 a semester. She clipped us for $70 million in property taxes. Then she clipped her own students twice for millions through sham elections. She will even support your partner, Mr. Shrimp, against State Rep Rene Oliveira because he dared question her about the out-of-control expenditures. She believes that she is beyond criticism." Max Maxwell, la voz de deportes en El Valle, clears his throat. "Let me expand on Annie's points," he says. "She pushed for an athletic fee that will cost a year-round student $300 annually. She said that we needed to reward our male soccer players, who are among the best high school performers in the nation, with a university team. Then she hires an English coach who recruits predominately English players. He signed four more the other day, which according to my figures means 19 foreigners and nine Americans, only six from Brownsville." Contreras, the controversial poet of Chicano Fuck Songs, spits on the floor. "Balaguero es un culero," he snarls. "Who is Balaguero?" inquires Andalusia. "Is he the good looking coach?" Contreras shakes his head. "You'd fuck anybody, wouldn't you? Does that mamon you're fucking know how many guys you've fucked or do you tell him he's the second one? To your credit, Annie can't call you a lesbian. Balaguero is a pinche puto who thinks Garcia is his sugar daddy. Perhaps his sugar mommy would be more accurate although there's nothing sweet about her. That whole athletic department hates Mexicans. We're pendejos in their lily white opinions. As usual Garcia and the rest of the special interests take our money but don't reciprocate with the same generosity. Is this the manner UTB/TSC operates in general with its misplaced priorities? 'Sucio' Lucio and Lucio 'The Turd' went to bat for her in the legislature to pass her athletic fee with the understanding that she was going to offer opportunities to our kids and not to a bunch of Europeans. I sure hate being taken for a pendejo." Gooooooooooooooolllllllllll!!! With minutes remaining in the first half, Mexico strikes first, 1-0. The conversation subsides during intermission as they eat their hamburgers and drink more beers. "We shouldn't be referring to Dr. Garcia as a lesbian," cautions Cadissimo as his eyes follow a prostitute passing the table on her way to the bathroom. "We don't have to destroy a person because we don't agree with her." O'Connell, the failed novelist, guffaws. "Shut the fuck up, joto! What does a guy who spends his time looking up the cassocks of alter boys know about lesbians?" A furious Cadissimo rises to his feet. "May God have mercy on your dark soul," he utters before stalking out the door. "What's wrong with that maricon?" laughs O'Connell. "I was just fucking with him. I thought the bastard had a sense of humor?" Andalusia puts her finger to her mouth. "Shut up, Jack," she warns. "You have two beers and you're already drunk. Your comments don't qualify as humor. You could make a stupid wannabe like Carlos Cisneros seem smart." O'Connell slumps back in his seat, but he suddenly leaps to his feet when the referee marks a penalty against Mexican. Landon Donovan converts to tie the game. "Just for the sake of argument, I don't believe that Garcia is a lesbian," offers Pangloss who returned from a trip to Argentina with Dr. Gus Stern and Dr. Romeo Montalvo last week. "I would surmise that menopause has shut her down sexually. As a result of these changes physically, I would worry that she is extremely volatile mentally. During this transition women often become very paranoid. I'm sure she worries that she has enemies lurking in the shadows." Rhino, whose paintings grace both Captain Bob's #1 and #2, awakes from his slumber and speculates, "Maybe it's John Shergold." Everyone exchanges glances. "Why would it be Sherold?" inquires Sanchez. Rhino, who evokes comparisons with Van Gogh as a result of his unstable behavior exacerbated by drug use and alcohol abuse, looks around before answering, "Shergold is weird. And take it from me: I know something about weird." Gunn nods her head. "Harry's right. Shergold is strange. He's one of the few guys I have no interest in fucking. I can see him slobbering on me right now." Gooooooooooooooolllllllllllll!!! On a spectacular shot the U.S. takes the lead, 2-1, in the 80th minute. "How long has Garcia been president?" asks Andalusia. "It must be 20 years now," replies O'Connell. "In those 20 years I've been married four times. Change is good. Her best years are behind her. If Dr. Pangloss is correct, I wouldn't be surprised if she has a moustache the next time I see her. You're right about the soccer program. I can't believe the way she is fucking our kids. They deserve better. We deserve better." Contreras, sounding like a broken record, repeats, "Balaguero es un culero. Balaguero es un culero. Balaguera es un culero." Gunn snickers. "Sounds like one of your stupid poems. You write the longest poems with the fewest number of words. Are you still pissed that UTB/TSC didn't hire you as its resident artist? Employing you would have been a worse decision than employing Balaguero." The game ends and the U.S. prevails. Will Garcia prevail or are her days numbered? Will Balaguero prevail or will UTB/TSC terminate him for his racist recruiting? "There's hope," says Sanchez. "I've seen many positive changes in recent months. If Garcia retires, Fred Rusteberg would be an excellent choice to succeed her." Andalusia chuckles. "He reminds me of a human penis with that bald head as well as his firm and erect posture." Contreras leans across the table. "I've got something firm and erect." Andalusia shakes her head. "Dream on, little guy, dream on. If you had something firm and erect, your old lady wouldn't be spreading her legs for Mr. Shrimp right now." They pay their bills and out they go.
Sunday, June 24
CITY POLITICS TAKE NEW TURN
The past is painful; the future is frightening; and the present is tense...If Jesus Christ hadn't risen from the dead, this world would have been a more peaceful place. Death and destruction have followed him like the plague. If Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez, officially counted out of the mayor's race to the surprise of no one except himself and his cruel wife, doesn't rise from his political demise, Brownsville will become a better place. Corruption and incompetence are his legacy. Good riddance to Mexican mugrero, barrio basura. He joins Gilberto "Hooters" Hinojosa and Eddie "Panocha" Trevino on the trash heap of history. Now the time has come to reduce Congressman Solomon "El Mayate" Ortiz, State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio and BND Chairman Martin "Mierda" Arambula to ashes before they burn us again...Father Jesus P. Cadissimio is leading a contingent of local activists before the city commission and requesting the dissolution of the Greater Brownsville Incentive Corporation (GBIC) and the Brownsville Economic Development Council (BEDC). "GBIC and BEDC have been nothing more than a source of slush funds for the special interests wasted on costly boondoggles and pet projects," said the priest as he wiped the sweat from his brow while trudging through Cameron Park and ministering to the poor. "GBIC dumps $750,000 annually on BEDC. We could use this extravagance as the yearly payment on a Dodge Arena. BEDC is nothing more than bureaucratic bullshit. Jason 'Jackass' Hilts, its CEO, has a disgraceful record of abusing his credit card. Why is he still employed when Mike Gonzalez had to resign a similar position at the BCVC for the same abuse? At a minimum we should redirect these monies, with the voters' consent, into the 4B entity that finances the beautification of Brownsville. I would also like to see my good friend 'Bean' Ayala replace Gonzalez if the post becomes officially vacant." Individuals like "Boozin'" Bill Hudson and Mary Rose "Miss Piggy" Cardenas have exploited GBIC and BEDC for too many years...Justo Leyes of Neece & Leyes, P.C., El Rocinante's legal firm, offered these opinions on three issues facing the new city council. "According to my interpretation of the law, GBIC should be appearing before the commission to receive approval for all its recommended projects," began Leyes who last month argued at the Harvard School of Law that precedent exists for prosecuting George "Wimp" Bush in an international tribune and hanging him if found guilty for crimes against humanity. "On a second matter, state law precludes elected officials from receiving pay from both city and county entities. If enforced, City Commissioner Carlos Cisneros must choose between City Hall and working as County Commissioner John Wood's administrative assistant. Last but hardly least, the City Charter specifically limits the mayor and his commissioners to $50 compensation a month. Availing themselves to insurance benefits is a clear violation of our constitution." Leyes is leaving for England in August where he makes his Harvard presentation at Oxford...Nobody wants a city commission that micromanages, but the mayor and his cohorts should demand an immediate evaluation of all top administrators and their departments. As part of his duties of overseeing the pound, Josue Ramirez has to renounce his draconian philosophy that "the only good dog is a dead dog." There have been persistent rumors that Jerry Hedgecock has conducted business with his wife as part of the library's transactions. Paul "The Zit" Calapa, the most untrustworthy character at City Hall, must prove to his superiors that he is a team player instead of a mole for the exiled Hernandez and the execrable Harry "The Rat" McNair. The top priority, however, is the city's financial relationship with First Transit and the responsibilities of BUS's Norma "The Zombie" Zamora, reportedly Calapa's common-law wife. The public transportation system is bordering on chaos as the broken-down buses fail to meet their schedules. Zamora talks of expanding services when she can't even provide basic services. She gives the impression, while collecting a substantial check, that she is more concerned with Calapa's needs rather than her customers' needs...On a positive note, Assistant City Manager Carlos "The Ace" Ayala was named STIJA Employee of the Month. "I can't think of anyone more deserving," said firebrand attorney Ernesto "El Gallo" Gamez, who scored a hole-in-one last week although there was no one to witness the momentous occasion. Unlike "Sucio" Lucio, Gamez is a person of honor and El Rocinante takes him at his word when he says that he drove the monstrous par-five 16th at the Fort Brown Golf Course and kept walking until he discovered that his ball had disappeared into the cup. Congratulations to Neto for a feat that hasn't been accomplished since Adrian "Dog" Garcia allegedly sent a shot from the same tee into a fierce norther during the winter of 1991 that didn't stop rolling until it dropped into the cup. Since his marriage to Catarina Presas-Garcia, Garcia, unfortunately, has experienced difficulties reaching the greens on the par threes.
Saturday, June 23
RRUN-RRUN RUNS WILD
Is Chester Gonzalez resigning from the TSC board? That's the rrun-rrun. Grieving in the wake of his brother's death, Gonzalez and Dr. Roberto Robles are the only two politicians at the university who have the public's trust. Dino "El Dildo" Esparza recently resigned after deciding he'd rather serve himself instead of the community. His most virulent detractors insist that he has a history of battling alcohol problems which may have contributed to his departure. The board readily accepted his resignation. According to a reliable source this same board has asked Gonzalez to reconsider his decision...There is a movement brewing at the university to rename the two buildings at the university dedicated to Mary Rose "Miss Piggy" Cardenas. With her family under investigation by the federal government for alleged illegal financial transactions, former professors believe the Cardenas name sends the wrong message. "We don't want our students to think that it's okay to cheat," said an educator...UTB/TSC President Dr. Julieta "Tia Caca" Garcia reminds activist Annie Gunn of a lesbian...Leonardo "The Squirrel" Alejandro's underlings, nabbed in a sting operation at the port, have turned to top lawyers Sheldon Weisfeld and Ed Stapleton for legal assistance in a growing controversy that could force Alejandro from the bench as a district judge. Alejandro owned two companies that were reportedly supplying AMFELS with undocumented workers in a hiring scheme worth millions. Suspicions are growing concerning Luigi "El Burro" Cristiano, a BND commissioner and related to Alejandro through marriage, since he operates the same type of temporary employee business. With the elimination of Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez, Cristiano has inherited the reputation as the scumbag most likely to cut a dirty deal...Ernesto "El Gallo" Gamez is representing Alice Arambula against Martin "Mierda" Arambula, her estranged husband and the BND chairman. These proceedings could turn messy. According to insiders, there was a history of abuse...Ignacio Torteya III, Cristiano's compadre, spent several days before the grand jury investigating the $21 million taxpayer ripoff at the Port of Brownsville. Cristiano, who received a large contribution from the young lawyer, helped Torteya gain a lucrative contract at the port. Nobody is speculating on his testimony...Don De Leon, who suffered a defeat in his first attempt to win a seat on the BND board, is considering running against Cristiano. Incumbents Roy de los Santos and Peter Zavaletta's terms expire in the next election cycle. De los Santos hasn't expressed his intentions, but Zavaletta is seriously contemplating challenging D.A. Armando "El Lobo" Villalobos. Former D.A. Yolanda De Leon has promised her support. Should Zavaletta vie against Congressman Solomon Ortiz instead, De Leon will seek a rematch against Villalobos...The new Texas Monthly is on the racks at your neighborhood HEB. The caricature of State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio, labeled one of the ten worst legislators in Austin by the prestigious publication, is a hoot. He looks like a dirty old man at a peep show. The magazine dealt him the ultimate insult when it declared that "El Resbaloso" wasn't a man of his word. His endorsement of Hernandez for mayor certainly didn't convince anyone...At City Hall Mayor Pat Ahumada is prepared to nominate Dr. Joe Zavaletta to fill the new vacancy on the PUB board. The retired physician is an excellent choice. It will be the first opportunity to observe if the six commissioners are men of their word. They have claimed publicly that they intend to find common ground with Ahumada. The Zavaletta appointment will reveal their true colors...In the world of internet publications the Brownsville Voice serves hot commentary that is worthy of morning coffee or an evening wine. Bloggin' All Things Brownsville is controversial but inconsistent. Like sex, the reader wants something everyday. At El Rocinante we have the excuse that we ain't what we used to be, but when we get it up, we get it up. And speaking about the difficulties of getting it up, Chris Davis at Cafe Brownsville continues with his mental masturbation. In the aftermath of Hernandez's defeat he is a rather limp fellow these days. Let's hope his wife is no longer pining for "Captain" Robert Sanchez.
MONTEREY MAFIA MAKE MOVE
The Monterey Mafia, the wanted pictures of Dr. Raul Rodriguez, Dr. Juan Rodriguez, Dr. Rafael Arredondo and Dr. Francisco Del Castillo lining the halls of Valley Regional Medical Center, suffered a serious blow to their control at the hospital when Minnie "The Muppet" Maldonado was uncereminously terminated. As the medical staff coordinator, she exerted virtual dominance over the day-to-day operations at the facility. She was also the Monterey Mafia's enforcer. Did CEO David "The Hippie" Handley clip her pubic hairs? "Nobody knows the details," said Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss. "But we're glad she's gone. Now we must stop these four physicians who think they're running a drug cartel with their character assassinations of fellow colleagues." With Del Castillo doing most of the dirty work, the Monterey Mafia is attacking Chief of Staff Dr. Howard Roberts. In the Brownsville tradition it's dirty politics as usual. "Del Castillo is writing letters to other doctors defaming Roberts' reputation," continued Pangloss. "Dr. Roberts has been serving our community for more than three decades and he is an outstanding professional. He is attempting to implement a more democratic process at the hospital, but Del Castillo and company have a Banana Republic mentality and detest free expression. They're dictators. They want the final word and they don't want accountability. They are decadent individuals." Called the worst hospital in the region by the South Texas Independent Journalists Association (STIJA), VRMC is infested with more disease than a Mexican whorehouse. "If you want to commit suicide but you're afraid to kill yourself, I'd suggest arriving at the emergency room complaining of a sore throat," said Pangloss. "By the time this staff has finished treating you, you'll be dead. Ever since Mary Rose 'Miss Piggy' Cardenas first sat on our board and put profits before patients, the health care has gone six-feet-under. Speaking seriously, I'd recommend that if you have a really sick family member, I would take him or her to a clinica in Matamoros. Patients don't survive the night here."
Friday, June 22
UTB/TSC ATHLETICS RELEASES NEW RAP SINGLE
In an attempt to augment the new athletic fees with more funds, the UTB/TSC athletic department has just released this new rap single dedicated to rising sports personality Dan "El Culero" Balaguero: "Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos. Mexicanos are pendejos." UTB/TSC officials are reporting that sales have been slow in the Brownsville market.
CULERO! CULERO! CULERO!
"Culero! Culero! Culero! Dan Balaguero es un culero!" You hear the chant at Morningside Park. At BOYSA competitions in Oliveira Park the little girls jumping rope while their brothers play on the pitch sing, "Balaguero es un culero! Balaguero es un culero! Balaguero es un culero!" "Does he really think all Mexicanos are pendejos or is this alternative press bullshit?" asks a BISD coach. "I must admit, though, I'm suspicious of his squad's composition. Are we living in London or are we still residing in Brownsville?" Balaguero is apparently more sympathetic to Europeans rather than Latins. "They had to swim across the Atlantic," says Bobby Joe Jones, a supporter of the Minutemen who insists that Mexicans should die first in Iraq if they want to become U.S. citizens. "The Europeans have greater endurance. The Mexicans only had to wade across the Rio Grande. Plus, they're lazy. They don't want to learn English." On summer evenings at Tony Gonzalez Park when the action slows the fans begin to shout from the stands, "Balaguero es un culero! Balaguero es un culero! Balaguero es un culero!" On the killing fields at the 511 soccer complex, the futbolistas haven't accepted their fate and still dream. "My coaches tell me that I can earn a college education one day even if Balaguero is a culero who thinks I'm a pendejo," insists a local star. "I just find it odd with all our talent that UTB/TSC has a foreign coach and a team filled with foreign players. I suppose Dr. Garcia knows best. As Mexican-Americans we must be patient and wait our turn." This is not a sentiment shared by the majority of the community as the thunder grows louder and louder: "Balaguero es un culero! Balaguero es un culero! Balaguero es un culero!" Ronnie Zamora, UTB/TSC's sports information director, spies dark clouds gathering on the horizon as the hurricane season approaches. "This situation is going to get worse," he worries. "There's a storm coming. I can feel it in my bones. Batten down the hatches. I don't want to be caught in the middle of this one. It ain't gonna be pretty."
"CULERO" BALAGUERO EARNS NICKNAME
Dan Balaguero, UTB/TSC's men's soccer coach who probably supports a wall along the Rio Grande in order to prevent Mexican-Americans from depriving his beloved Europeans of scholarships, has learned his first Spanish word according to the Baker Boys working undercover at the university's maintanence department. And that word is "pendejo" as in: The soccer players at Pace, Porter, Hanna, Rivera, Lopez and the rest of the Mexican-Americans in the Valley are too pendejo to play at UTB/TSC. In a department whose recruiting in past years smacks of racism the baseball roster has read like a collection of good ol' boys from East Texas. It is no secret that the white coaching staff has insinuated to President Dr. Julieta "Tia Caca" Garcia that local Mexican-Americans are too stupid to participate in Scorpion athletics. Balaguero, as well as his other colleagues, are using this negative image to deny Valley high school graduates of their rightful opportunities in order to provide the community's limited resources to outsiders. Balaguero presented his 24-man squad to the public, 15 of them foreigners, the majority Europeans. While paying lip service to the area's high level of competition, he named but seven Valley players as windowdressing to his squad. "Balaguero doesn'give a fuck that he is dissing Mexican-Americans from Brownsville to Laredo," said Max Maxwell, la voz de deportes en El Valle. "He is more interested in building a program with semi-pros from Scotland, England, Denmark, Spain and Serbia. Why is Dr. Garcia, after taking our kids' money with the addition of a new athletic fee, allowing this travesty to unfold? Fifteen foreigners and only seven locals!?! What an outrage! This isn't a coincidence. In my opinion this bastard Balaguero is a racist. The facts speak for themselves." The English native believes, however, that the public is in love with him after he was feted at the Sacred Order of Karankawa Supreme Chiefs. "They honored me with an indigenous name in a special ceremony," he recalled in awe. "I am the warrior 'Cool Arrow'." Cool Arrow!?! Pendejo! Henceforth, thou art Dan "El Culero" Balaguero.
LA VAGINA NEGRA, THE EEL ROMANCE READERS
The Brownsville Herald has had fun with Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez and Elia "La Vagina Negra" Cornejo-Lopez the last few days. Hernandez, who fell by almost a 1,000 votes in his third quest to be mayor, is demanding a recount. "He reminds me of a high school coach I knew a few decades ago," recalled Max Maxwell, la voz de deportes en El Valle. "In his desperation to win, he paid the referees and altered his players' birth certificates so he had a team of 20-year-olds. He still lost week after week, 50-0, his frustration with his own failure finally reaching the breaking point when he insisted that the scoreboard was malfunctioning." The Herald wasn't so humorous in its assessment of Hernandez's performance in the wake of the mayoral election. "The immediate aftermath wasn't very auspicious," began the editorial. "Hernandez, who was heavily backrolled by area land developers and other corporate interests and spent more than $100,000 in his unsuccessful effort--none of it his own--huffed that his loss is Brownsville's loss. We hope such sour grapes comments are simply expressions of frustration following a hard-fought battle. If, on the other hand, he has no intention of lending any assistance to the new administration, we trust that his supporters know better than to undermine the city's progress, and choose to devote their efforts toward the growth and improvement of our city, with or without Hernandez." Cornejo-Lopez, who has been blowing hot air ever since she dragged her less-than-hot body onto the political scene, complained that the City of Brownsville discriminated against her when municipal officials selected Rolando Olvera for a judgeship. She claimed that ugly bitches whose mouths smell worse than open sewers and whose pussies reek like fish rotting in the sun aren't duly representated. The daily disagreed. "Sore Loser Week continues with Elia Cornejo-Lopez filing a grievance against the city for picking Rolando Olvera, a former state district judge, to be municipal judge, over Cornejo-Lopez, a former county court-at-law judge," penned the newspaper. "The grievance claims that because all other municipal judges are men, the city should have given the job to a woman--specifically, Cornejo-Lopez...Olvera has earned respectable rankings from lawyers who have appeared in his court. She was ranked lowest of all area judges in the 2003 area poll by the Cameron County Bar Association, which ranked her worst with regard to attention to testimony and attorneys' arguments...Cornejo-Lopez is certainly free to run again for a judicial position, and let the people decide her fate. Until then, her most judicious option appears to be to accept the appointment of an obviously qualified candidate to this relatively minor parttime judicial appointment, and save herself the headache and taxpayers the unnecessary expense." Everyone in Brownsville recognizes that Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez and Elia "La Vagina Negra" Cornejo-Lopez aren't worth a shit. When are these two sorry-excuses-for-human-beings going to accept the verdict of public opinion? Probably never. As pendejos they are too stupid to face the facts and will continue to embarrass themselves in both mainsteam and alternative publications.
"FOOLISH FIVESOME" FUCK SELVES
They should call themselves the "Foolish Fivesome". Congressman Solomon "El Mayate" Ortiz, State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio, Mayor Eddie "Panocha" Trevino, BND Chairman Martin "Mierda" Arambula and wannabe Ruben "El Tonto" Gallegos appeared in a last minute ad in The Brownsville Herald endorsing Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez for mayor. "The tactic backfired," said an insider. "The special interests collected on past campaign contributions, but they were unsuccessful trying to persuade Frank and Mary Yturria into supporting Hernandez. Unlike these mamones, the couple had the good sense to spurn the overtures." The electorate chose Pat "The Preacher" Ahumada in a landslide, thus pissing on the "Foolish Fivesome". Ortiz, chastized regularly by the Corpus Christi Caller for unethical behavior but never challenged by the Herald, and Lucio, called "dirty" and "slippery" as two of many reasons for his nomination as one of the ten worst legislators in Austin by Texas Monthly, are encountering increasing scrutiny for their quid pro quo business transactions, which have made Ortiz, a former cop, 
and Lucio, a former teacher, wealthy. Their sons won first terms to the state legislature as the two families seek to extend their financial and political control over South Texas. Their alliance with Hernandez not only cost the candidate votes but cost Ortiz and Lucio further credibility. "Their questionable dealings at the Port of Brownsville have been well-documented," noted a former Herald reporter.
"Lencho Rendon, Ortiz's frontman, always operates with his arms extended while Lucio has no qualms about collecting his payoffs personally. The two have been walking on thin ice for years and their pockets have become so heavy with other people's money that they could disappear beneath the surface sooner than we think. How does the saying go? 'Birds of a feather fuck together.'" Trevino's inclusion among the "Foolish Fivesome" shocked nobody, the public having rejected him several years ago. Not only did his fellow citizens no longer want him whoring for the Treacherous Trio of "Boozin'" Bill Hudson, Renato "Blackie" Cardenas and Neil "Syphilis" Simmons, they didn't want him prostituting for his successor either. Trevino's word is worthless. He insulted every woman in Brownsville when he insinuated that he wife was too fat to fuck, leaving him no other option but to bone his Girl Friday who functioned as his Girl Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as well. "I can't resist putting my fig in another gal's rig," he confessed sheepishly to Father Jesus P. Cadissimo. "An endorsement from Trevino means less that a child molestor's recommendation for a babysitter," offered the same journalist. "Read history. As a commissioner he fought the creation of the 4B entity to improve our parks and he lost. He said we had too many parks. As mayor he attempted to rewrite the City Charter to put more money in his pocket and the pockets of the elite and lost. He thought he deserved a $100,000 annual salary. He is a loser, his pathetic efforts on behalf of Hernandez sealing his image as a loser. Instead of realizing his promise as a politician, he wasted his potential becoming a puto. How can the community respect an individual who humiliates his spouse publicly rather than admitting that he can't resist strange pussy? LOSER!!!" And speaking of mistreating wives, BND Chairperson Arambula performs in a league of his own. His wife, whom he allegedly abused for years, forgave him and worked tirelessly during his campaign. Once he attained office, however, he dumped her. Now he is abusing the taxpayers with the egregious Dannenbaum deal that absolves the company of any wrongdoing in the $21 million ripoff at the Port of Brownsville. Bobby Wightman-Cervantes, publisher/editor/janitor at the internet publication Brownsville Voice, chided Hernandez for lowering himself to Arambula's level. In the respected writer's opinion, Hernandez's desperate tactic was worse than the kiss of death. Gallegos, after whom another Brownsville school was misnamed, showed his ignorance as an educator. It isn't the first time he has exhibited his stupidity. He once thought that Conrado "El Colombiano" Cantu was the greatest sheriff in the history of Cameron County. He has also raised a son who has had his head so far up Hernandez's ass that he suffered a serious medical setback. "The lack of oxygen affected his heart," said Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss. "He required by-pass surgery to save his life." In spite of Hernandez's Hail Mary strategy, he found himself paying Jeff "El Nazi" Millar for another expensive, ineffective ad. And the "Foolish Fivesome"? The voters are laughing at them, but if the voters continues to grovel at these flakes' feet, who are the real fools?
Tuesday, June 19
NOON DRUNK COMPLIMENTS AFTERNOON DELIGHT
When teachers realize that they are never going to get ahead, they ignore the temptation of a $35 an hour job for a summer of enjoying the lazy days. I have so much time on my hands that I attend a funeral in the morning. There's something about death that enhances life. The family and I stop at Cobbleheads for lunch and shake hands with Marshall Ray and Ralph Cowen among other notables. If the charges against Mike Gonzalez prove true at the Brownsville Convention and Visitors Center, Cowen would be the perfect replacement. Anthony Gray, State Representative Rene Oliveira's legislative aide, calls him Mr. Brownsville. He would have made a good mayor. Joe "The Irish Prick" Kinney, Cobbleheads' proprietor, drops by the table to pay his respects. He has become a local institution. "Competition is tough," he says. "Either you evolve or you die. I'm going to close for two months in the near future and completely renovate the place. I'm enclosing the deck and adding air-conditioning. I plan to expand along the resaca and gut the insides. I'll be in debt for the next 15 years, but maybe the bills will keep me alive." From Cowen to Kinney, there is a consensus that Ahumada's election was a positive statement. The new mayor has more support than he realizes. Let's hope he moves judiciously. It won't be easy. "Boozin'" Bill Hudson, who a mere two years ago thought he owned the town and was demanding the resignations of Ahumada, Cris "!Aguas!" Valadez and "Captain" Robert Sanchez from PUB because they had the audacity to question his sweetheart deal with the entity, informed Emma Perez-Trevino and The Brownsville Herald that the impact fees should remain at $300 rather than the recommended $3,000. Why should the ratepayer subsidize his profits through higher bills? This is a hidden tax that we are paying without our permission that benefits the millionaires. Taxation without representation! Don't Hudson and the powerful comprehend that the powerless aren't going to take their shit anymore? "After six months of Pat I'll be telling you that I told you so," said Bobby Joe Robinson, an ex-shrimper who hurt his back and lives a comfortable existence on his monthly government check. "I'd rather that it was you instead of me telling you that after six months of Ernie I told you so." With nothing planned for the rest of the afternoon, I down a half dozen drafts with the meal. The family eats well and we relish this moment together. Back home I fill the wading pool and watch my three-year-old son have the time of his life while I rest my feet in the cool water. I page through a book detailing the beauty of Portugal. I don't want to die in Brownsville although there are worst places if fate dictates my demise here. I'm hoping that my wife, also a BISD teacher, is in a compliant mood for 15 minutes of fun. If not, I'll take a long nap. In the early evening when the gulf breezes sweep the city, I'll throw fajitas and sausages on the barbecue and watch the bats swoop overhead. Today will be one of those forgettable days that we will wish that we hadn't forgotten. If all goes well, I'll have another forgettable day tomorrow. Hopefully, it will be a long summer.
Monday, June 18
"VAGINA NEGRA" RAISES STINK
Former Judge Elia "La Vagina Negra" Cornejo-Lopez is raising a stink and threatening a gender discrimination suit in the wake of Brownsville City Manager Charlie Cabler selecting former Judge Rolando Olvera to fill Judge Arturo McDonald's vacated seat on the municipal circuit. "She was crying at a Sophie Benavidez pachanga that the machos at City Hall don't want a lady on the bench," said a spy for Lucino Rosenbaum who overheard the conversation near the bar. A four-person committee, which included two women, selected Olvera. "Cabler made the correct recommendation," offered a confidante of City Commission "Choo-Choo" Charlie Atkinson. "Olvera has an excellent grasp of the law while Cornejo-Lopez is a complete idiot who was consistently rated one of the worst judges in South Texas by legal associations. As to not wanting a lady, nothing could be further from the truth. Nobody wants a cunt with her stench back in the courts. We hope she pushes forward with litigation." The alternative press is looking forward to diversions at the expense of the fetid Cornejo-Lopez during the dog days of summer...Mayor Eddie "Panocha" Trevino, who didn't seek reelection after reading the overwhelming negative numbers, is trying to convince County Commissioner John "Dead" Wood to reconsider running for county judge in the 2010 Democratic primary. Trevino believes that time will heal the damage caused by his cheating on his wife. While Trevino might defeat Wood who is vilified once a month by The Brownsville Herald for being the gringo equivalent of Gilberto "Hooters" Hinojosa, Trevino could never overcome Cameron County Judge Carlos "Cat" Cascos. Most Democrats are whispering at the Vermillion and other popular wateringholes that Treasurer "Dapper" David Betancourt, who destroyed Cascos' brother-in-law for his present position, would repeat the same feat against the incumbent. An outstanding city commissioner who was the voice of the people, Betancourt is receiving plaudits for his performance as treasurer. "He is one of the county's most respected public servants," said Dr. Polyphemous Pangloss who recently returned from a medical mission in Darfur. "Unlike other county officials who feared the repercussions, he worked actively for Ahumada against Hernandez. This is a stand that wins adherents...Trevino, with only a few days remaining in office, is attempting to rush through midnight appointments to key committees. Rather than bowing out gracefully and allowing the new commission its rightful authority, he intends to prove once again that he is a little man in more than stature. "He is the worst mayor in the annuals of our community," said a local historian. "These last minute machinations only prove the point...Ahumada returns to power and encounters a commission without factions. He lost favor with the community during his first term because he was a one-man show. As BISD Athletic Director "Big" Joe Rodriguez liked to say about his political days on the Brownsville school board, "You have to be able to count to four." Ahumada must successfully build majorities. On the surface he has no organized opposition. Commissioner Atkinson campaigned vociferously for him. He and new Commissioner Leo "Twat" Garcia are on the same page. Although Commissioner Ricardo "El Estudiante" Longoria has a personality conflict with the new mayor, he and Ahumada share the same sentiments. Longoria caught the public's attention when he blasted "Boozin'" Bill Hudson for the millionaire's many abuses and has constantly reprimanded PUB for its countless excesses. Sounds like Ahumada speaking on the hustings. The newest commissioner, Anthony "El Condom" Troiani, congratulated Ahumada upon the latter's triumph and promised him cooperation. He campaigned for higher impact fees, Ahumada's most passionate issue, and insists that he isn't Hudson's shoeshineboy. Commissioner Carlos "Cuacha" Cisneros, who has no qualms about polishing Hudson's boots when he isn't kissing the gabacho's ass, is a survivor. He is running for County Commissioner Wood's seat in two years and intends to find common ground with Ahumada. Edward "Fat Bastard" Camarillo came into office in 2005 as a populist but immediately voted to raise utility fees and has consistently protected the special interests. His detractors have argued that he functions as the spokesperson for the abhorred Cardenas family, presently under a federal investigation and facing numerous felony charges for illegal financial transactions. Indubitably, he is the most isolated member on the commission and is strictly a threat to himself. Ahumada's first test for consensus building comes when he lobbies for a new PUB member. With the departure of Trevino, the incoming mayor wants Dr. Joe Zavaletta as his replacement. It will be an interesting test.
HERNANDEZ COMTEMPLATES RECOUNT
Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez is contemplating a recount. "He is in complete shock," said a colleague of Brownsville Herald reporter Emma Perez-Trevino. "His wife is still weeping. You would think there had been a death in the family although most voters are hoping this defeat marks the death of his political career." Hernandez more than doubled Pat "The Preacher" Ahumada's campaign expenditures, littered the city with huge billboards, controlled the politiqueras, counted on the special interests led by "Boozin'" Bill Hudson, Renato "Blackie" Cardenas and Neil "Syphilis" Simmons, and turned to Congressman Solomon "The Snake" Ortiz, State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio, Mayor Eddie "Panocha" Trevino and BND Chairman Martin "Mierda" Arambula for last minute endorsements, all to no avail as he lost by almost 1,000 votes. "I'm sure Hernandez and his wife couldn't believe that Brownsville despised him so much that they would actually go to the polls to express their animosity," continued the same journalist. "As an influential business said, 'If you can't beat Ahumada, you better find a new career.'" For Hernandez, though, politics have been a blessing financially. His loss was indubitably a financial gain for Fiesta Graphics, his business. Hernandez is vowing revenge, but it's the community's elite who should feel vengeful toward him. He utilized his politiqueras in the general election to sneak past "Sassy" Sally Arroyo who would have vanquished Ahumada according to the pundits and would have been more sympathetic to the establishment's priorities. Hernandez, however, fooled them, but he didn't fool the electorate. They had had enough of this pendejo. If Hernandez has any pride, he won't ask for a recount. The new numbers will be more embarrassing.
Sunday, June 17
AHUMADA, TROIANI TRIUMPH
It wasn't pretty. It wasn't close. The people spoke in unison and their message was loud and clear: We want a combination of the old and new. Pat "The Preacher" Ahumada, who resigned humiliated and humbled as mayor more than a decade ago, returned as el pueblo's hero as he thrashed Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez, the puppet of the special interests, 57% to 43%. And neophyte Anthony "El Condom" Troiani, millionaire developers "Boozin'" Bill Hudson, Renato "Blackie" Cardenas and Neil "Syphilis" Simmons' reputed poster child, smashed veteran politico "Cowboy" Ernesto De Leon, 58% to 42%. A bitter Hernandez, vowing that he would return even though this is the third time he has lost by a significant margin in a bid to be mayor, called his defeat "a great loss". It wasn't a sentiment shared by the majority of the electorate who saw this election as a selection between character and corruption. "Ahumada had regained his credibility with the community after challenging the elite on a number of issues that resonated with the voters because they resent subsidizing the profits of the multi-millionaires via higher utility rates and increased taxes while Hernandez, who endeavored to hide his disgraceful record of exploiting his post as a city commissioner to enrich himself, defended the policies that favored the wealthy," said Father Jesus P. Cadissimo who led the invocation at Ahumada's VICC victory celebration. "In spite of Hernandez's most treacherous efforts to undermine our democracy with his politiqueras, the powerless united in one voice to vanquish the powerful at the ballot box. We are tired of the crooks. We ousted Hinojosa last fall. We intimidated Trevino into surrendering this year. We annihilated Hernandez today. Tomorrow it will be Ortiz, Lucio, Arambula and the rest of the scumbags who regale us with their words then rape us with their deeds." An ecstatic Ahumada, reminiscent of George "Wimp" Bush in 2004, called his victory "a mandate". Nothing could be further from the truth. If he doesn't want to suffer the same condemnation as the most reviled president in the history of the United States, he will recognize that his mandate was nothing more than a total repudiation of Hernandez. "We flushed that piece of shit and the caca that is his wife down the toilet," said Estanislao Contreras, the controversial poet of Chicano Fuck Songs and part of firebrand attorney Ernesto "El Gallo" Gamez's inner circle. "Ahumada wanted Hernandez as his opponent because he feared (Sally) Arroyo or (Henry) Gonzalez in a runoff. While Ahumada's stock has risen in recent years with his courageous stands, the people detested Hernandez and his spouse because they epitomized politics at its worst. We have given Ahumada a second chance. If he hasn't learned from his past mistakes, he will face an unenviable fate." Troiani, meanwhile, was celebrating his triumph with his wife and two children over a Gio's pizza. "I see no evil, I hear no evil and I speak no evil," Troiani intimated as a know-nothing candidate, but he will experience a short-lived honeymoon if he is little more than the developers' monkey. "La raza spoke and nobody loves la raza quite like Frank and Becky Costilla, Mr. and Mrs. Democrat in Brownsville and Troiani's most important supporters," continued Contreras. "He needs to listen to them because the consensus among members of the alternative press is that Hudson, Cardenas and Simmons financed his campaign and expect him to respond to their orders as Mayor 'Panocha' Trevino does. Since he allied himself with Hernandez in this contest, Troiani will begin his new term under a dark cloud of suspicion." De Leon kept to the high road. The pundits recommend that he pursue that path into the horizon. The Aggie told the daily that God has other plans for him. Vaya con Dios.
Saturday, June 16
ELECTION ENDS
By the time the majority of El Rocinante's three readers peruse this posting, the municipal elections will be history. Like everyone else, we've shot our wad and we're ready to move on to other challenges. Nevertheless, we can't help but shake our heads that a politician like Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez can prosper in Brownsville. He and his wife are blatantly corrupt and make no bones about buying votes and selling their souls in the service of the Lucios, Cardenases and other special interests who depend on an ignorant electorate in order to pillage the public coffers for millions. As "Boozin'" Bill Hudson might say, we fought the noble fight against the forces of evil. Unfortunately, the forces of evil attack on many fronts and the war continues. The end of one battle only means the start of another. Friday's newspaper featured both the Lucios and the Cardenases at their worst. It's hard to conceive that a school is named after the former and several university buildings are named after the latter, but in a city where corruption reigns, our students couldn't have better role models. Texas Monthly, the state's most prestigious publication, informed its subscribers that State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio was one of the ten worst legislators in Austin. An insulted Lucio told The Brownsville Herald that he was going to demand an apology from the magazine for calling him "sucio". This is a "resbaloso" who doesn't have a real job but lives like a millionaire, attired in expensive suits, driving a fancy car and residing in a mansion complete with a chapel. Does God forgive hypocrites who use his name in order to promote their fame? Lucio calls himself a "consultant" as he helps the private sector plunder the public entities, his participation in the $21 million heist at the Port of Brownsville vintage Sucio. Who is insulting whom? Who deserves an apology? For Lucio the taxpayers are fools whom he likes taking to school. And how does Texas Monthly characterize Sucio Lucio? He isn't a man of his word; he can't be trusted. The Feds recently exposed the PSJA school board for allegedly taking money, taking trips to Las Vegas and taking prostitutes to bed in exchange for contracts. Now the Feds are exposing the Cardenas family for their shady financial dealings. Nobody is shocked. This is a family that had no second thoughts about robbing a widow of her millions. Since the people of the Valley and Brownsville aren't willing to confront the truth because they fear the repercussions, outsiders like Texas Monthly and the Feds must do the dirty work. Why is coruption so widespread in our region? Because publications like the Herald are more concerned about advertising than accountability and crooks like the Lucios and Cardenases are able to live their double existences--virgins by day, whores by night. And curiously, who were the Lucios and the Cardenases supporting for mayor? Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez. Corruption isn't a coincidence.
SUCIO LUCIO GAINS FAME
When children playing in the streets suddenly stop to watch two dogs fucking, what do the kids call this act? The Sucio Lucio. When George "Wimp" Bush told the nation lies about going to war in Iraq, what did "Little" Dick Cheney call the strategy? The Sucio Lucio. When Mayor Eddie "Panocha" decided that his wife was too fat to bone and chose instead to bone his secretary, what did he call screwing his movida in his office? The Sucio Lucio. When American tourists eat in Matamoros and are already vomiting out their cars' windows on their return to South Padre Island, what do they call their sudden illness? The Sucio Lucio. If a politician successfully engineers a $21 million taxpayer ripoff at the Port of Brownsville, what does the press call the heist? The Sucio Lucio. When a married couple find themselves bored sexually and experiment with anal sex, what do they call the coupling. The Sucio Lucio. When BND Chairperson Martin Arambula decides his wife no longer serves his polilical purposes and decides to bed a younger, hotter thing, what do the psychologists call this type of fling? The Sucio Lucio. What is the correct political term when corrupt public officials endorse an individual more corrupt than themselves? The Sucio Lucio. When a stripper steals a $100 bill from a drunk admirer, what do her fellow dancers call the pickpocketing? The Sucio Lucio. State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio will not be remembered for his accomplishments because there were no accomplishments, but he has given an expression via his example that epitomizes human degradation--the Sucio Lucio.
UTB/TSC SPINS OUT OF CONTROL
How much will a semester at UTB/TSC cost in 2007/2008 for fulltime students? Adding up tuition, fees and books, we calculate the figure at approximately $4,000. It wasn't too many years ago that we were paying $400 for a college education locally. The quality was just as good if not better. Now we're paying for the UT brand. Dr. Julieta "Tia Caca" Garcia has been the architect of making a university education unaffordable, which has brought a smile to the mass-murdering George "Wimp" Bush's face because he depends on ignorant and unemployed Mexican-Americas to wage his wars. Garcia's has cultivated a board that rubberstamps her every demand. Has she bought them off? Trustee Rosemary Breedlove owns the Chachalaca Chicken Coop, a bed and breakfast on the outskirts of Los Fresnos. Has the university been renting from her so its hierarchy can relax at this bucolic retreat? What are the particulars in a rumored land arrangement between Trustee Dolly Zimmerman and the university? If the BISD treated Trustees Pat Lehmann and Otis Powers to beers and burgers at the Palm Lounge, The Brownsville Herald would be demanding their resignations the next day. Why does the Herald employ a double standard with UTB/TSC? Garcia's latest scam involved the implementation of an athletic fee, which adds another $300 to a year-round student's expenditures. She convinced State Senator "Sucio" Eddie Lucio and State Representative Eddie Lucio "The Turd" that it would be in their best interests to pass this increase through the legislature since Bobby Lucio, the State Senator's brother, was the university's golf coach. Though State Representative Rene Oliveira battled valiantly against the bill, the Lucios prevailed. Garcia argued that she wanted to reward Brownsville's many fine soccer players by giving these young men a chance to pursue their college educations via athletic scholarships. And the reality? She hires an English coach who is recruiting Scottish, English, Spanish, Danish and Serbian players for his team, thus depriving Brownsville kids of their rightful opportunities. Instead, these semi-professional foreigners are the recipients of the opportunities financed by Brownsville kids. And what is the Anglo controlled athletic department whispering into Garcia's ear as the justification for their actions? The kids from Porter, Hanna, Rivera, Pace and Lopez are too stupid to remain eligible, leaving no other option but bring Europeans to Brownsville. Why is Roy Hess, the voice of soccer in the Rio Grande, writing nothing as this travesty unfolds? Is the new coach anti-American? Anti-Mexican-American? Anti-Brownsville? We believe his decisions reflect the philosphy of a racist athletic department. Garcia should be ashamed of herself. She takes our kids' money, but she won't fight for their futures.
Friday, June 15
SUCIO LUCIO EQUALS GOOD SEX
Suck my tits, baby, suck my tits! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Bite my nipples, baby, bite my nipples! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Stick your finger in my cunt, papacito! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Stick all your fingers in my cunt! Yes! Yes! Yes! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Eat me! Eat me! Eat me! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Slurp it all up, papi! Slurp it all up! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! I want your cock, baby! Give it to me! Now! Now! Now! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Fuck me, baby! Fuck me hard! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Harder! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! Harder, goddammit, harder! SUCIO LUCIO!!! SUCIO LUCIO!!! SUCIO LUCIO!!! I'm so hot, baby! I can't stand it! Stick it in my ass! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! I want it all! Give it me! Pump! Pump! Pump! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Harder, papi, harder! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! Make me scream in pain, papi! Make me scream! I want to feel like a virgin again! SUCIO LUCIO!!! SUCIO LUCIO!!! SUCIO LUCIO!!! I want it back in my cunt! Fuck me, papi! Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Mas! Mas! Mas! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! Sucio Lucio! I want you to come in me! Harder! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! I want it! I want it! I want it! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! Come, baby, come! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO! SUCIO LUCIO!!!!!!!!!! I love you, papacito. Nobody fucks me like you do.
SHIT HITS FAN SATURDAY
Saturday the bullshit stops. The candidates, after dragging cadavers and comatose patients to the polls for the past two weeks, will be at the mercy of the weekend stragglers. The latest South Texas Independent Journalists Association (STIJA) poll has Pat "The Preacher" Ahumada leading Ernie "The Eel" Hernandez, 53% to 47%. A month ago Hernandez was winning, 55% to 45%. Why the dramatic shift? "Character," says Anthony Starr, STIJA president. "The voters are asking themselves which of the candidates is trustworthy and Ahumada has a clear advantage on this issue. When your own supporters, as in the case of Hernandez, are publicly stating that they are pinching their noses when they go to the polls, you know that as a candidate you are in trouble. Everywhere I go I hear the same thing: 'Hernandez is corrupt and the only reason he isn't a convicted criminal is because he hasn't been caught.' Ahumada has struck a populist cord with the electorate. While KEEP THE MOMENTUM is Hernandez's slogan, it's Ahumada who has the momentum." In the contest for the remaining commissioner's seat, newcomer Anthony "El Condom" Troiani maintains a narrow 51% to 49% edge over veteran "Cowboy" Ernesto De Leon. A month ago Troiani was smashing De Leon, 61% to 39%. "Ironically, this race reflects the changing fortunes in the mayoral race," continues Starr. "Troiani is allied with Hernandez. As the latter's percentages have fallen, so have Troiani's. De Leon is riding Ahumada's coattails and the benefits of this association are appearing in the latest figures. The experts were predicting that Troiani merely had to show up at the dance and the best looking chick was his for the picking. Apparently, he is little more than a pretty face with no personality." The campaign has been bereft of many endorsements. And The Brownsville Herald has kept a loud silence. The special interests have tried to pressure the daily into presenting Ahumada in a negative light, but their efforts have been in vain. Publisher Daniel "El Coco Loco" Cavazos retains enough journalistic integrity to recognize that he would have to apply the same standards to Hernandez, which would be disastrous for the establishment's puppet. Will there be any midnight surprises to turn the tide? Probably not. It's too late in the game to have an impact. Manning the phones and pounding the doors in search of every available vote is the only smart strategy at this stage.
